Pain,extremely excruciating pain diffused trough the fibres of my muscles,starting from the bottom of my head spreading all over my body,my head,and my legs were in pain mostly all day.
I didn’t know what to do.
I hated being at home with M and some random “customers” that he was dragging home from work. We had no intimacy,the moments we were spending together were made of random guys coming to visit him to purchase some of the high quality hash that Satirka was supplying him. I hated him for that, he was leading M to the wrong path,that was the selfish part of himself,his survival instinct as well as his Ego and he knew that really well.
Sofia started to be on my neck, literally.
She was the first one to say good morning to me at work,the first one to ask me about my health.And I was the first one to complain about it.
Waking up in the morning with M body wrapped up around me I could smell his dirt, his laziness and his disrespect in not having a shower after work before joining me in bed.
As soon as I was awake I was overwhelmed by his messiness, clothes everywhere dirty stuff left behind on the couch at the bottom of our bed, dirty dishes in the sink downstairs, a collection of smoked joint randomly puzzled up into a coconut halves on the table in the living room. I have to admit that I wasn’t the tidiest person either, I used to be a total mess, but I was trying hard not to be a victim of my own dirt,I was craving for peace.
I was starting my morning with a breakfast of nurofen and coffee,as soon as my neck started shivering I was indulging myself in those squared shaped white tablets, the ticket for my salvation trough the day, then I was heading to work,head straight, clean eyes, trying to keep up with the world around me while I was memorizing each bus stop like a song.
I was looking forward to go to work everyday,looking forward to see her, to talk to her, to tell her my story, to ask silently for the deepest help.
She was there as everyday,she was waiting for me.
We started our conversation really randomly and the thing of her that really intrigued me was the way she was approaching the world.She seemed really natural, spontaneous.
She was talking about life energy, about women power, inner force; all this stuff that years before would have surely make me run away and laugh but somehow I was changing and I was willing to learn from what she had to say to me, since I’ve met Satirka I’ve felt like I’ve opened a new channel in my life and she was part of it, she was holding the knowledge I was craving for inside her hands and she was offering it to me.
With her I’ve started talking about Satirka and with her I’ve let my love for him unfold to myself, I’ve start watching it.
She was telling me how the body is a map for our soul and how each part could represent a neglected feeling,something to resolve within ourselves.
When I told her about my pain in my legs, my terrible pain that was making impossible for me to walk she told me that perhaps I was on the wrong path, perhaps my life wasn’t with M anymore.The idea of loosing M was hard, was terrible to accept. I was scared to be alone, in that country where I didn’t have any roots yet, where I didn’t have anyone that could have taken care of my soul once he was gone, anyone I could really rely on, everything was so young, so new,even her; how knows if she was going to support me ?In the end why she would have done that?
I couldn’t admit to myself the truth,I was scared to be lonely,I’ve always been scared to be abandoned.
Satirka wasn’t an option, perhaps it was all my head in the end why would he been really interested in me?I had nothing, I was nothing and he was everything, he didn’t need me unless of course he just want it to have sex with me, surely I was for him a nice little doll to play with it. Why someone like him would have been interested in someone so empty as me?That what I was thinking about myself,that how I was feeling in my life. Empty.
On The other side Sofia didn’t like him very much, she just didn’t see how his way of living would have been good for myself and I knew that, I knew it really well;that was another reason why I was weighting my thoughts and my feeling towards him. His way of living was scary for me I didn’t really feel I could have ever fit into it.
I was split in two parts:
One part of me wanted him, wanted to prove his animal instinct towards me, get rid of those shivers running trough me everytime that I could hear the whisper of his voice or the sound of his name. Show to myself and to the world that there was no reason to fall for him,that he was no different from the other man I’ve met in my life. He was a dirty horny pig, that’s right, he wasn’t that spiritual folk that he preached to be,no man could be that,man are useless pieces of meat aren’t they? That was what my mum always use to say to me : “Man are all the same,they just want one thing…” I grow up with this idea and I develop my character upon it, my mission was to prove that my mother was right and that in the end,woman are just better than man. To do that I’ve used to wear very little clothes and a lot of sensual disposed jewellery on my body. The thing is he never really bought that;indeed he always invited me to cover myself in front of him as he didn’t want to be distracted by the beauty of my legs when we were talking together. I remember when he put a blanket on top of my legs and I remember getting really angry about it,I felt challenged like he was trying to get me to trust him.
The other part of me didn’t want to leave M, he was so beautiful and harmless and although he was just a lost kid a the moment,surely I would have been able to change him, to help him, to develop that light that I saw inside him the day that I’ve met him.
I was safe with him.
M wasn’t so sexual indeed that part between us was kind of shut and I liked that because that was showing me that he wasn’t a horny pig, a man as all the one I draw a picture of. He was lovely and kind when he was free of be, which was basically when we were under the influence of Mdma together.
What the hell was I supposed to do?How would I get an answer?
I wasn’t quite convinced by the body theory, I mean c’mon…body and soul? wasn’t a bit too much to think like that?
How could the pain in your body not be related to some sort of physical sickness.
Surely I had migraine, probably I was developing a bit of arthritis I was sick inside,my head was a different thing, my feeling too they were belonging somewhere else…right?
I didn’t really know how to look at the situation anymore so I decided to go to a rave party, to explore my feelings with the a little psychoactive help.
Aria di Battersea 