Sick body, bulshited mind

Pain,extremely excruciating pain diffused trough the fibres of my muscles,starting from the bottom of my head spreading all over my body,my head,and my legs were in pain mostly all day.

I didn’t know what to do.

I hated being at home with M and some random “customers” that he was dragging home from work. We had no intimacy,the moments we were spending together were made of random guys coming to visit him to purchase some of the high quality hash that Satirka was supplying him. I hated him for that, he was leading M to the wrong path,that was the selfish part of himself,his survival instinct as well as his Ego and he knew that really well.

Sofia started to be on my neck, literally.

She was the first one to say good morning to me at work,the first one to ask me about my health.And I was the first one to complain about it.

Waking up in the morning with M body wrapped up around me I could smell his dirt, his laziness and his disrespect in not having a shower after work before joining me in bed.

As soon as I was awake I was overwhelmed by his messiness, clothes everywhere dirty stuff left behind on the couch at the bottom of our bed, dirty dishes in the sink downstairs, a collection of smoked joint randomly puzzled up into a coconut halves on the table in the living room. I have to admit that I wasn’t the tidiest person either, I used to be a total mess, but I was trying hard not to be a victim of my own dirt,I was craving for peace.

I was starting my morning with a breakfast of nurofen and coffee,as soon as my neck started shivering I was indulging myself in those squared shaped white tablets, the ticket for my salvation trough the day, then I was heading to work,head straight, clean eyes, trying to keep up with the world around me while I was memorizing each bus stop like  a song.

I was looking forward to go to work everyday,looking forward to see her, to talk to her, to tell her my story, to ask silently for the deepest help.

She was there as everyday,she was waiting for me.

We started our conversation really randomly and the thing of her that really intrigued me was the way she was approaching the world.She seemed really natural, spontaneous.

She was talking about life energy, about women power, inner force; all this stuff that years before would have surely make me run away and laugh but somehow I was changing and I was willing to learn from what she had to say to me, since I’ve met Satirka I’ve felt like I’ve opened a new channel in my life and she was part of it, she was holding the knowledge I was craving for inside her hands and she was offering it to me.

With her I’ve started talking about Satirka and with her I’ve let my love for him unfold to myself, I’ve start watching it.

She was telling me how the body is a map for our soul and how each part could represent a neglected feeling,something to resolve within ourselves.

When I told her about my pain in my legs, my terrible pain that was making impossible for me to walk she told me that perhaps I was on the wrong path, perhaps my life wasn’t with M anymore.The idea of loosing M was hard, was terrible to accept. I was scared to be alone, in that country where I didn’t have any roots yet, where I didn’t have anyone that could have taken care of my soul once he was gone, anyone I could really rely on, everything was so young, so new,even her; how knows if she was going to support me ?In the end why she would have done that?

I couldn’t admit to myself the truth,I was scared to be lonely,I’ve always been scared to be abandoned.

Satirka wasn’t an option, perhaps it was all my head in the end why would he been really interested in me?I had nothing, I was nothing and he was everything, he didn’t need me unless of course he just want it to have sex with me, surely I was for him a nice little doll to play with it. Why someone like him would have been interested in someone so empty as me?That what I was thinking about myself,that how I was feeling in my life. Empty.

On The other side Sofia didn’t like him very much, she just didn’t see how his way of living would have been good for myself and I knew that, I knew it really well;that was another reason why I was weighting my thoughts and my feeling towards him. His way of living was scary for me I didn’t really feel I could have ever fit into it.

I was split in two parts:

One part of me wanted him, wanted to prove his animal instinct towards me, get rid of those shivers running trough me everytime that I could hear the whisper of his voice or the sound of his name. Show to myself and to the world that there was no reason to fall for him,that he was no different from the other man I’ve met in my life. He was a dirty horny pig, that’s right, he wasn’t that spiritual folk that he preached to be,no man could be that,man are useless pieces of meat aren’t they? That was what my mum always use to say to me : “Man are all the same,they just want one thing…” I grow up with this idea and I develop my character upon it, my mission was to prove that my mother was right and that in the end,woman are just better than man. To do that I’ve used to wear very little clothes and a lot of sensual disposed jewellery on my body. The thing is he never really bought that;indeed he always invited me to cover myself in front of him as he didn’t want to be distracted by the beauty of my legs when we were talking together. I remember when he put a blanket on top of my legs and I remember getting really angry about it,I felt challenged like he was trying to get me to trust him.

The other part of me didn’t want to leave M, he was so beautiful and harmless and although he was just a lost kid a the moment,surely I would have been able to change him, to help him, to develop that light that I saw inside him the day that I’ve met him.

I was safe with him.

M wasn’t so sexual indeed that part between us was kind of shut and I liked that because that was showing me that he wasn’t a horny pig, a man as all the one I draw a picture of. He was lovely and kind when he was free of  be, which was basically when we were under the influence of Mdma together.

What the hell was I supposed to do?How would I get an answer?

I wasn’t quite convinced by the body theory, I mean c’mon…body and soul? wasn’t a bit too much to think like that?

How could the pain in your body not be related to some sort of physical sickness.

Surely I had migraine, probably I was developing a bit of arthritis I was sick inside,my head was a different thing, my feeling too they were belonging somewhere else…right?

I didn’t really know how to look at the situation anymore so I decided to go to a rave party, to explore my feelings with the a little psychoactive help.

 

London,dealer of self packed reality

We landed in on a rainy day of March.

Was busy,crowded,fast.

I never saw so many people moving around so fast,so focus so nervous.

Rush hour on  a friday afternoon,world moving around, new faces new environment.

I was feeling scared and instead I was showing my strongest side holding my two luggage on the street heading to the place recommended to find  easily a cheap place to sleep.

We didn’t have any plan at all, we didn’t know anybody that was there already.We were alone.

M was positive, he was laughing all the time looking around with dreams spelled eyes, his wonder was contagious.

I still remember the sweet smell of the shisha in Bayswater, the shiny duck hang on the restaurant windows, the huge roll of kebab adorned with citrus on the top, the abundance of fruits on the street stalls ,the asian supermarket with exotic frozen cut of meat.

The air of Bayswater was refreshed by the magic of a subtle rain. The sky was grey,the light looked soft and tired. In my head “rainy day in soho” by  Nick Cave.

Finding a place to sleep wasn’t so easy and wasn’t cheap.

For the first week we hang around changing rooms and hostels quite often.

We felt lost. I was behaving strong, M was falling apart, feeling the distance,missing his friends, I never saw that side of him before, I never saw his weakness but now was pretty clear to me as it was sober, he hadn’t had any drugs for the whole time we where there and that was the first time since I’ve met him.

Didn’t last long, we quickly discover that one of our fella from Italy was there.I was trying to avoid the contact as I knew where it was going to lead us.

But he need it, he need it a friend, someone of his old reality, someone who could help him to know what to do next.

We went to his house later that week and we got what we came for and I also got a job in the place where the fella was working.

M still didn’t have a job but now he had a contact and some people to smoke out with.

I was scared, I didn’t come to London to party, to get arrested, I did it for my sister.

I need it to get out from Italy before it was too late for me, before I had destroyed myself.

And although now I can say that moving here was the best thing I could have done for myself, at the time I didn’t know.

Leaving my sister was painful, I remember her face when I told her I was moving, I remember my little niece being barely able to walk and I look at her now running,swimming,talking freely as just a kid can do. Leaving them was the hardest part, with them I left a big chunk of myself exposed to the world, everyday I remember the pain of the moment were I cut the big string that was feeding each other and I flew away.

Coming here was for me the way to grow my own personality and I felt I didn’t want to waste any minute of my journey as I didn’t do it to have fun , I never been so keen of this city,It just felt the right thing to be doing in my life.Following your path request a lot of sacrifice and for me that is represented by the moments that I’ve lost with my niece, I didn’t saw her growing, my brother becoming grey,my mother growing older, my dog dying, my grandma changing from the strong self sufficient woman to the fragile living being that she’s now.

We found a house share in shepherd bush market, our flatmates they were from italy too.

M found a job after a while however living with him in this new reality was showing me the truth of his being.

I felt as I was becoming a mother of a troubled child.

I was frustrated, the job was painful, demanding.

I was working as a waitress, long hour,shit pay. Coming back home late in the evening smelling of fried bacon and cheap coffee I was so desperate for a homely hug but instead M was crawling on the couch smoking his day out and so I was doing the same.

We work a little and then we got enough.

We both quit our job and we decided to take it easy,getting to know the city before and perhaps toward the end of our saving we would have found a job or moved to another city.

We both felt the urge to party that night that we quit, need it to release frustration and unhappiness.

So we did, we went out, with our old friend from italy.

However the night was unsuccessful, no drugs around, and the ketamine it was shit cheap stuff.

Disappointed we left the club around 3 am and we went to get stoned at home.

Horrible night,horrible music,environment. What was that? Where was the beauty,the sparking crazy night that London was known for?

Was in that M saw a new job opportunity and everything started again.

We remember of a contact given to us while we were surfing the clouds with a dude during one of the most crazy after party I’ve ever been. We call him.

A couple of days after,we were discovering an unknown part of London.I quickly feel in love with the sensuous dark and homely appear of this side, so different from where we lived.

The guy  was living in a splashy fun house somewhere. He was funny,his house was adorned with fun and hospitality.

He was our new Ketch supplier. His stuff was insane;as anything we ever tried before.

M was shining on his way down to home,I started crying from the fearof being chained up, far from my beloved,in a place where I didn’t know laws and whatsoever. M was reassuring me that it was going to be easy,that I shouldn’t be worry.

When we got home I decided to put my thoughts behind and try to accept our new role in the london society.

Let’s see what is going to happen.

We went partying again some days later, Fabric this time.

Again we were disappointed from the clubbing scene in the city, It was pathetic, It was like everyone that was around that night had no clue of who was playing and had no interest to feel the music. People were more focused on getting wasted out of their eyes with alcohol instead of tuning in with the music and let their body moving freely upon it.

Was different of what we were use to. People didn’t like to listen, people like to get out of their mind, like to forget disliking to get in depth.

I though that in Italy the clubbing scene was made of gummy shaped human but here was even worst, people were like solid bunch of alcoholic distortion, they were inelegant, unearthly attached to the bar and to the toilet to sniff some “freshly grated wall”

I got the point why no one was using or selling drugs here, there was no point of doing it as people like to drown themselves in alcohol. However ketamine was the right partner for them as it didn’t request any withdraw and any particular wait. It was pretty much straight forward and people like the fact that it was just temporary.

On our first “shift” we made 200 pound, not bad.

I spent my first drug money to buy art material and t-shirts. I started creating again, dreaming to be able to have my own brand, to be able to sell my creations.

We were both living our little dream and was beautiful.

The spring was blossoming outside, we were together in our surreal builded reality, in our little special world made of lies to our parents and of several trip towards our supplier’s house.

The light outside was warm and kind and we loved to spent part of our day lying down on the grass in the nearest park playing around with a kite or just being together.

We were breathing together our uncertain sometimes slightly dangerous life.

I knew it wasn’t going to last forever but I felt the need to enjoy it.Enjoy the flowers discovering the sun, the light breath of the wind.

I loved to hear the birds singing outside our living room window.

We need it some time to settle, to get back together again on that sacred place were we meet and we feel in love.