Sleepless nights and dreams about him.
He was inside me.
Falling asleep was a scary task as every time I was closing my eyes, He was there. And every time I was awake again M was next to me and I was in some sort of guilt shock.
I had to make it stop.
It was a warm sunny morning when after saying goodbye to M, I decided I need it to go and see him.So I went.
He was trying to avoid me but not really. He was expecting me, he want me.
I went to the squat where he was staying,covering his friend that was away.
We talked for hours, after an initial fight where I was accusing him to try to sabotage my feelings.
Our relationship started like that.By feeling each other presence in the room holding our bodies for a lapse of time that seemed infinite.
It was the strongest embodied feeling I’ve ever experienced. It was incredible.
When I left I felt different, like I had an organic explosion in my soul. The sky was changing color thousand times while I was looking at it.
M was at home that night, he got there before me.
I told him everything, as Satirka said to do, I had to be honest. While I was telling him the truth of my feelings toward Satirka he was just standing without saying a word in front of me. I was really scared as I thought he would have gone mad and done something stupid or violent. Instead he was dismissed. He said he could understand why that was happening and he said that he didn’t deserve me as he was making me unhappy. M was stepping aside letting my relationship with Satirka develop. It was strange.
Few weeks after he moved out.
I was in a limbo, balancing my new independent life between the love of two person.
On one side there was M, I was keeping the hope alive in him, It was nice to be feed by his love, nice to make him think that perhaps if he was going to change we could have been together.
On the other side there was Satirka, the passion was burning between us. The love for each other was beyond my understanding. With him I was feeling great and I was acting greatness. I wasn’t myself next to him I couldn’t let him see my vulnerability.
I was protecting myself floating on the surface of a sexual relationship without giving space to any real feeling to show themselves to the surface. I was playing a dirty game of guilt and charm.
I was inebriated by him, by his way of playing with my energy, with my body, with my thoughts.
I was trying to prove something to him and I was failing to be.
It was a one direction relationship, he was opening and I wasn’t interested to listen. I wasn’t interested to open my soul to him. He was feeling my rejection ,challenging my way of being.
Marlene was there, acting her way thought the 2 relationships.
Myself was instead thinking that I wasn’t worth his consideration.
Truly I was really damage inside and he could see that. He could see that I was searching a patch for my inner loneliness, for my inner sense of uselessness.
One day he left.
His last words where “I am a just a projection, you don’t need me to be happy and remember that time is just an illusion”
I was devastated and I went to look for M, trying desperately to save my soul from that scary downward spiral of emptiness.
I could not be abandoned again. All my life I have been abandoned. My father, my mother’s boyfriend, my sister. I felt that I wasn’t worth the love of nobody. I could not be love.
M didn’t want to be found by me, he didn’t want to be used bandage for my weakened bones.
Overwhelmed by all that buzzing coming back to my ears, a crime of control that I wasn’t able to stop.
Yoga found me during days of restlessness.
I wasn’t sleeping almost completely, waking up few times every night with deep penetrating pain in my wrist, feeling my hands bone so frail that they could almost crumble underneath my skin.
I got to Yoga knowing nothing about it, Mysore astanga yoga was a particularly fancy definition to me and that is what attracted me the most.
Aria di Battersea 