Stripped down of ego aka: Anjuna,second day.

First day of practice in the unknown land.

I was expecting to be cold this morning, I left when the light was just a blessed mirror of perfection into the world.

The earth was pulsating of wild life, unknown bird were screaming their song to the world,the non stop rain of the night has left a sparkle of incredible lusciousness  all around, the perfection of the colors was sprouting. I’ve never seen such a muddy and perfect brightness arising in the sunlight.

It was warm, humid, it was like an undiscoverd world screaming around me, covering my sleepy body with a precious warmth.

I drove to practice much earlier than my supposed time. I  need it to find my ground, to explore the village naked of life.

Nobody on the street apart from the dogs that quietly were sleeping along the road.Particularly I got mesmerized by a place around the corner, a little house painted in liliac blue, beside a huge rice field, It looked almost abandoned but the perfection of the color on the wall indicate that was indeed just probably been renovated for the season to come. Many dogs were sleeping under the empty patio of the little house, peacefully sharing  the space in a natural communion of soul.

Who said that dog in Goa are aggressive or they are unlucky?Looking at this animals living a life of freedom  It makes me that we have indeed no right to choose what is good for them, and we are probably wrong on thinking that they are poor animals as are they are indeed free of possession, free  to be whatever they like. I look at them in this land as they are a metaphor of our ego, do we really need to impose our rules on them or it might just be better to help by sharing instead of possessing?

Driving along the road, my head still buzzing from the confusion of the time difference between here and the place where I was living just 2 days ago, the musky grey London with his efficient soul controlled mechanism.

I don’t really know where the shala is, I am just hoping to meet someone else that could perhaps give me a detached indication, another yogini although I decided I wouldn’t be involved in any of the western yogini life. I’ve decided to make this trip a journey of self discovery, self-reliance, self-love. This is my journey were I will be learning how to be alone in the world and not just hiding myself in the curiosity of the city. Making friends is not my aim, beside I have friends don’t I?

I arrived in the area where the shala is supposed to be hidden somewhere and there there was  what I was expecting, a chinese girl with her yoga mat on the shoulder. She didn’t speak much English and that make it perfect to me to maintain a detached attitude in her regards.

The shala is closer of what I thought, is on the main street,if you can call this muddy, narrow roads this way; Is in the house of the teacher actually, on the roof top. It a small half-open space made of woven palm tree and concrete floor. I wasn’t expecting such a simple place,knowing the greatness and the popularity of the teacher I thought I might find myself in a spoil half natural space.The simplicity of the space make me feel  happy It make me think about Hamish’s shala, the humbleness of his space;that helped me to accept my staying here, in a way it make me think that I am in the right place, I am not is a fashion oriented yoga environment, perhaps I am indeed in a true place of wisdom and I am going to meet another wonderful yogi as it is Hamish and of course Peter Sanson,wonderful souls randomly dressed with nonappearance

I’d waited a little in the empty space facing the jungle still covered by the soft darkness of the early hour. I was feeling a little nervous, like I had to prove something to someone. My knee was hurting so much from the day before, I was cuddling my fear of not being able to be good enough, as if it matters now that is just me.

I was trying not to look at the people walking through, trying to calm the anxiety of that first fucking day. Rolf walked in with a dog on the leash, behind him more dogs, 7 in total, walking around the shala.I had been warned of that,of his love for animals,but honestly I wasn’t expecting to have a fluffy dog sitting down my mat and looking at me with wondering eyes. Foxy to be precise, a puffed fluffy being with remarkable posing capabilities.

It was  a moonday,I was really happy to discover that, I wasn’t ready to practice.

During Moonday at Rolf we do some light Pranayama technique for beginner, I wasn’t however feeling ready for that either.

Rolf looked different, nothing as I expected, a little skinny man with sea like eyes and a strong, sharp German accent. I was happy not to find his wife as most of the people who I’ve been hanging in London have told me that she was sort of “intense”, I very much know how people can be deadly judgmental upon someone, I was pretty sure she was going to be very similar to me or at least to the person I was when I was feeling like nobody could really understand me but I wasn’t really strong enough to face someone that could have potentially tried to make me strong by showing my weakness. I need it to believe in my capabilities first in order to accept my weakness and willing to work with them.

By the end of the class, I quickly grab my stuff and run home. Rolf was trying to gather all of us for lunch but I really didn’t want to be involved with any of that as I felt I really had nothing to give or to share with this few people.

We were just above 10 people in the shala, the atmosphere was quite intimate, too intimate for someone like me trying to figure out how to deal with others.

I went for breakfast  to the only place open during monsoon, Artjuna, and as soon as I’ve seen the yoga crew I’ve avoided them and hide myself under my tarot book.

It is weird, the feelings I am exploring right now.  I feel like I am back to be a kid,back when during the summer we had to move to our house at the beach with my grandparents. I had no friend there and there was no place where you were almost forced to interact with others , to develop a friendship with someone. Me and my sister we always had that problem, every time we would have been thrown into a different environment we just wouldn’t know how to interact with others, we were shy to show ourselves scared to hell to be rejected .What is wrong with us I do not know, what I know is that in my life I’ve always preferred to find excuse not to know people. I  am afraid of people not liking me or not to have anything to offer to them.

Here it come the truth, my lack of self-love and self-respect rising upon the surface once freed  from the platonic cocoon of self-developing friendly environment.

I’ve never made the first step in making a friend, all my friend have come to me through work or school, I’ve never spoke to someone deliberately unless I have taken some drugs and I would have been surfing on a silver rocket sparkled up by the beauty of never-ending plastic love.

I just thought being alone was the easiest choice, calling this trip “self-discovery path” was a nice way to hide my incapability of being social. I didn’t need anybody, what for? Disposable travelling friendship is not ideal when you are an ipersensitive fragile person that covered by the strength of her body.

I avoided eye contact for the whole day and then I went exploring on the beach by myself empowered by my renewed self-sabotage.

Eventually the loneliness struck me when I’ve clashed against the unknown culture.

I was climbing on a rock cliff when this is happen, my camera around my neck and my pretty little westerner face.

I obviously didn’t pay much attention of being surrounded by only men going uphill beside me.

My instinct sent me a silent sign of awareness but my ego overcome it, trying to prove my virgin independence aged 1 day.

I still don’t know what happen when 2 men approached me while I was trying to rest upon a rocks losing my dreams in the vastness of the sea.They  came next to me speaking in their language trying to grab my camera while I felt like a complete idiot victim of her  fucked idea of not needing anyone. I felt lonely, although I’ve managed to run off the cliff as fast as possible, between the language misunderstanding and the cultural fear,with the men running after me, probably trying to explain themselves to mean no harm.As they did after when they started laughing while I was still running along the beach scattered.

What if something would have happened? Nobody there would have notice my disappearance, nobody knows me.

Being strong or being silly are not to be misunderstood, there it was when I realized that I was indeed victim of my ego trying to prove to whothefuckknow that I was “whatever”.

Wrong.

Making friend, nourishing yourself by sharing is the point of travel , Is the reason of the travel itself or at least that it is what it will be for me.

I don’t need to prove that I am able to be alone just because I am afraid to get trapped into sabotaging relationships, I need indeed to be able to be able to become friend with myself, to understand that I am valuable and good enough to give my love to people

I decide to come out to the world because there’s no need to be good enough to open yourself to people.

I am a virgin of the world

First day in Anjuna:

I was amazed from what I wasn’t expecting to find.

I’ve never seen anything as wild and rough as this place.

I was in bed, devoured by a massive headache, seriously, I’ve felt like my head was going to melt and my brain would splatter around the room. Gross,I know, but I got even worried I’ve taken some drugs because it was worse than a post Mdma headache.

I’ve never been out of Europe, the longest distance I’ve ever reach was London.

I am a virgin of the world.

For me leaving the city was a challenge.

If you’ve been reading my latest post you probably missing a middle part of my life.

That is because there’s nothing much to say about my latest years in London.

I’ve been working pretty much every day maintaining 3 jobs on my lap. No time for myself whatsoever apart from those morning hours spent in the magic of Hamish’s shala and the incredible evening spent knowing what was going to become one of my greatest friend perhaps a sister from another life.

I got over my pain taking deep and slow breathing, looking at myself.

I got over my self- destructive addiction by looking at it without being scared to talk about it openly. I can for the first time say “I AM GOOD NOW, I’M HEALED”.

But my life during that time has definitely changed again when I’ve moved house, fighting my fear of not being able to be loved, because let’s be honest, I’ve never allow myself to make real friends breaking my  comfortably numb state.

I’ve moved in a house with other 5 people and I am blessing every moment of the time I’ve spent with them. As Sofia told me right before I moved: “this is going to be good for you”, her fucking psychic power strike again.

There I’ve meet Louise, and my life has definitely taken another path.

She’s what I’ve never gone for, a smiling shining woman. When I’ve meet her I just thought she was high and I got really scared of her way to be so open to the world.

She helped me to believe in myself, to believe in the practice,to open myself up in way that I didn’t know was possible, she show me how to hug people freely.

She is a hugger, she would dispense hugs without me asking for, something that I felt special as nothing before. Really how could I have lived without hugging anybody never before?

Without any of our dreams sharing morning coffee, and late shared skies I wouldn’t probably be where I am right now. That is right, in that final stage of my life in the city meeting her has been the greatest gift from the universe and from the practice because there is where me meet.

Call it luck, call it casualty, I call it Magic of the practice, is the practice that tune in with yourself and give you back when you need it mostly.

Thanks to her I’ve meet Peter Sanson, my teacher. He’s the reason why I am going to New Zealand.

He’s the person that in one of the most scary/lost moment of my life has held my hand and kept me going.

I am grateful to Hamish as my first teacher because his gentle approach has for the first time made me able to trust a man touching my body and is kindness has got into me when I need it, I’ve learn how to be kind with myself trough him.

He’s been the best person for me for that first part of my practice but when I’ve meet Peter, for the second time a couple of months ago I’ve just felt an incredible magic that left me tearful for days.

Is something I cannot still explain, but I just know I have to study with him.

But those aren’t the only reason of my departure.

I’ve decided to jump when I’ve discovered a stranger in my dreams.

I’ve meet this stranger in real life but I can barely remember his face, we’ve been for some reasons in contact via electronic universe for years before starting to meet up in dreams.

His wildness and freedom has inspired me to push myself out of my comfort zone.

Talking to him trigger in me an inner strength I didn’t know I could have and somehow he universe always respond in a positive way every time we speak together, but I will explain this after.

I left my job inspired by the few words we would share together and I’ve booked my trip to India.

I kept on dreaming about him, dreaming I would meet him some days on this journey.

While I am crawling in bed listening to the rain falling sharply around me my head keep wondering to the thoughts of the people I left and to the dreams I just cannot push away.

I have to say that leaving Louise wasn’t easy but the reason why it felt right is because I want our friendship to be real, I didn’t want to rely on her, we need it to grew apart in order to became something that could have never been swept away. I am thinking about her while lying here listening to the rain, my body hurt, is the first time in my practice history that I felt myself physically unable to do it, to let my body just be, to feel it.

I am feeling great in way.

I made it, I am here in this stranger land, alone, in a house hidden in the jungle where I could hear the sound of the sea when there’s no rain.

Initially there was the happiness.

But the first day is always a slow settling. Is the easy part, when the body is adjusting and it doesn’t give space to either mind of soul to feel anything else rather than pain.

 

 

 

Kamikaze for feelings

Different.

the following days were just different. I could see the energy flowing around, I need it to talk to him but I couldn’t. Satirka was unreachable, I was on my own.

I was marvelled from the world around me, everything was changing. Season blossoming, people smiling. Love all around me,I was changing. I could feel myself different.

I need it more of that, somehow raving was shredding layers of myself, peeling them off like a pomegranate. A long grainy job ahead of me and each little seeds ready to pop out freely into the world searching for the ultimate answer of all of that unknown crazy being.

M was a shadow in my life, I could not feel him anymore. He was far from me, I was channeling trough a different path and I was scared because I could not see him in there,all I could see was the firm present of Satirka in each of my steps ahead.

There has been many rave after that first one and each has been magical.

There was one in particular where we were in a forest.

I hadn’t seen or heard Satirka in months and I just decided to move out, to leave the house were we lived, I decided to live M and go and find a new place with Juliette, a new girl just landed in the shop were I was working, a brilliant soul, full of light and not so far as it was Sofia to me,someone like me at the time.

M was really upset with me, upset of my decision to leave him and more than that he was upset because he really had no intentions to sort himself out and physically go and look for a new place to stay. I couldn’t care less as I had enough of being his mother and having to take care of him for the time he was coming back high after some impromptu raves with unknown people and having to deal with his monsters over my morning coffee.

I need to make a move for myself,was it the right thing then?

Looking for an answer we went to a forest rave.

The location was pretty far off, somewhere north, an hour walk from the nearest tube, we follow a queue of guys in the night to find the place, our only chance not to get lost.

The place was indeed incredible, in the middle of the forest under a magical big tree. We were dancing in a natural circle under the infinite branches of the tree.

My shoes were hurting me so I took them off during the night. I was barefoot on the ground and I could feel the earth, I could feel the energy pulsing, penetrating through my left foot running up in spiral on my leg, diffusing inside my body, through my spine,towards my head and then again down in spiral drawing branches on my legs and again down spreading out pieces of my soul from my right foot on the naked soil.

Feeling the world inside me, feeling the light rain on my skin, the breeze shaking the leaves kissing softly my offered skin.I sat down the tree, I was feeling the life inside him as It has all the answers, it was all inside the trunk of that big knowledgeable piece of wood that I could see my life ahead.I closed my eyes and saw my future, I saw Satirka. He stood in front of me, in the crowd in steady motion, shading off while I was concentrating my eyes upon me. He was there, waiting. He was waiting for me and while I was trying to reach out for him I felt my body crumbling, I couldn’t stand up and by the time I was trying to seek for help to stood up he was gone. I was deeply hallucinating, it was a strong feeling of loneliness coming towards me. Luckily I wasn’t alone, M wasn’t far from him and as soon as he saw me in despair he came to help him but he was far from understanding what I was experiencing. My soul was opening up to myself showing me her fear, her need, her loneliness ahead.

We lied down on the ground like it was the most comfortable place in the world to be, cuddled by the hugging root of the tree. We swallowed the last parts of our acids and we feel asleep.

When we woke up an hour later we were high.

The sun had penetrated our bodies, we were all resting and it was like giving up our beliefs and giving back our beings to the universe.Our soul energies were going back to the earth that was itself letting the roots of the tree feeding from it,gathering it in the trunk of the tree and spreading it back again to the sky throught the big branches.

Magic was happening in that moment, something beyond our understanding. Perfection in nature.

After a couple of hours of a deep collective silence we all sat down and smile, getting to know each others faces little by little.

It was the moment of sharing pieces of our stories with our next neighbourhood, a collective feeling of friendship after a night spent dancing next to each other sorting out fears and dreams in our heads.

A naked lunch in the forest of some sort.

In the afternoon we decided to make a move and head back home.

I was heading and I had no idea where to go, neither I coud clearly see the road ahead of me but somehow I was trusting the universe showing me the right way and so it was. I was tuned in and the universe was showing me the way, the road that I was following was a stripe of earth full of light, it was taking us out to the forest through a beautiful way. The nature around me was integrating with my embodied form, I was part of the sun, part of the grass, friends of each little animals around me. It was an incredible feeling of being alive in the world.

We didn’t talk till we got home. When we did,after losing the count of the hours spent wondering; M had finally understood why he was loosing me, he turned his eyes on me and he apologize. He apologize for not having understood my value although apparently Satirka had remarked that on him (thing that obviously surprised me to hear), and he decided to let me go  as he understood that we were not good for each others anymore.

It was sad and indeed it was a beautiful ending.

We fell asleep that night into each others and we woke up in different paths.

Satirka came back into my life after that party.

This time he was inside me,inside my dreams, inside my head through the day. It was like he could penetrate into my bones and that I believe was our way of being together, of communicate.

I had found a house for myself and Juliette and Satirka had found a place for M to stay.

We were not apart yet when I decided to go and meet Satirka in his house.

M was at work that night and I had another sleepless night thinking about Satirka.

I had to go and see him,waiting was not very much of my thing, patience was beyond my understanding.

I was a kamikaze on a mission of feelings.

 

 

 

 

Twerking with the Dalai Lama -Part 1

San valentine day.

I was feeling full of love…somehow.

M has never been up for celebrating such a day,neither was I…I mean, you know I didn’t really wanna show to the world that in the end I was a romantic, someone who like to receive flowers  and a little bit of extra attentions with a silly excuse…In the end is nice to be “normal” sometimes;however that wasn’t surely the part that I want people to see about me, I want it to be cool so I’ve always kind of ignored such a festivity in the past,and that day I would have done the same if it wasn’t for the fact that was saturday and luckily I was given the following sunday and monday off. The timing was perfect and I was ready.

I don’t know how I got to that point, I mean, ME, the judgemental little fashion girl who was all about cool people with cool jobs and things like that was now open to go to a rave party to meet people from nowhere and with “nothing in their hands” ;people like Satirka.

Since M first rave some months have passed by and I couldn’t forget the peace he was irradiating after that little adventure, nothing was like before from then. M had change and although was still pretty wrapped up in his hash addiction, those little precious moments where he was himself, I could see how he was striving to change a little bit, he was trying to be more like Satirka and not just under the drug related point of view, he was also trying to be more open and less judgemental about the world breathing around him. So was I, since Satirka and since Sofia’s jump inside my life I was changing little by little, scattering away the dust from things and trying to be free from my own self.

That night I’ve dressed up with love, picking the outfit really carefully. I was about to step into his world and I want it to do it at my best,spreading love in that wicked night.

I was wearing an American Apparel layered skater skirt in dusty pink, red tights and one of my hand painted t-shirt showing the window of the house in front of our old room in the west  suspended upon a sky of red balloon. I was love and that was what I want it to get from that night.

Find a party wasn’t easy.

Apparently since last Halloween,when a big rave was held in Holborn as a protest for some kind of new legislation (I’ve never been a political girl); the police wasn’t so  kind on those illegals parties anymore, instead they started to show no tolerance  and they also seemed to be on some sort of mission against them.

However toward midnight we’ve found one,deep digged down the way of new cross, in the middle of an apparently abandoned industrial area far away from anything recognizable as what I so far knew about London.

Was a bit scary and indeed very fascinating.

I was tight to his arm and I was secretly wondering if he would have been there tonight. I hadn’t seen Satirka for months and I had just little information about him,I had snapped them from M trying to being discrete.

Apparently he was kind of sad, in a weird place in his relationship, his girlfriend had moved out the squat and found a place for herself in another squat with friends and she started to re-consider their relationship for some reasons we didn’t get to know. I was secretly giggling about it because that was representing for me some hope.A door was being open on his side, a glimmer of light was passing trough.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him…fuck!That could have been so dangerous under the influence of psychedelics!

We got to the place after an hour of wandering around completely lost and with a ridiculously suspicious behaviour;we were full of drugs to sell a usual an a little oversight  could have been fatal both for the business both for us;we really didn’t want to get caught especially before the party started.

From the outside you could see nothing, there was few people waiting and few security guys dressed in black. The security guys were spread around on the street on some sort of watching ritual alerted to spot police within a couple of second and to send a recognizable sign in the case of seeing some. That kind of spying technique was really entertaining and was making everything sound much more special.

Inside the space wasn’t big at all, really small indeed, with low ceiling covered with psychedelic ornaments that seemed to be very colourless with a unalderated vision like was mine at the beginning of my new adventure. The place had been relocated 3 times before I was told as the previously locations were being shut by the police. Everything was sounding so special, so perfectly blended in a mix of mystery,secret, unknown and of course spiced up a little by a touch of fear.

I was happy to be there between those people who seemed not to care about anything else apart from the music.

And the music was for me an issue as I’ve never heard psytrance music before and I was almost sure I wasn’t going to like it or I wasn’t going to be able to dance on it.

The party was about to begin.

With us we had some Lsd, apparently what it was one of the most powerful acid you could find, they were called Dalai Lama and the concentration of Lsd in them was extremely high. Something to handle with care has M was told from Satirka, something not to be wasted as extremely special and quite hard to find. Not to mention of course that the price for one of them was way more high that and average acid in the uk market. 11 £ each when you were buying more than 10 or otherwise 15£ in case of a singular purchase. We obviously had stored up and bought 11 a little for us and a little to sell to our friends. I bought some myself too, I was always happy to invest my money in Lsd.

We had some of that incredible indian Ketamine supplied by our landlord but I wasn’t so keen on it due to the not so nice experiences I had lately, and after knowing Satirka aversion on it I’d decided to take a break from it, especially in the case of acid consume. I want it to have the purest experience with those apparently insane “Dalai Lama”.

 

So it begins the night…

Thrown into the world while dragged down by a DMT inhalation

A flourishing magnolia tree, a sign of new beginning.

I always loved those tree with those flowers shaped like clumsy princess, I never knew the name somehow till the day that I’ve cut and felt one of their flower and I brought it to Satirka in one of our spelled afternoon talking and smoking in his room.

I remember handing the flower to him and seeing his eyes shine brightly as he recognized the flower,his favourite one and he told me his name for the first time. I’ve always tought that Magnolia flowers were white and big, but I was wrong. As I was handing him the flower, I was handing him myself.

My life was changing and he was behind me silently, following my baby step into the world.

We were about to move house, to change  job, a new beginning was in the sky.

I was feeling more peaceful although the things between me and M were starting to lose their grace.

When one of our beloved Ketch supplier offer us a room in the house he was renting, M was over excited as he saw in him the model he wish to follow, the one that as gone far with his dealing market, a cool dude. I wasnt so keen in moving there,all my sense were turning against that but I decide to ignore them as I didn’t have any other choice and I couldn’t really be bothered to look for anything else; beside the guy seemed really cool, and the flatmates seemed cool too, looked like a house full of artists and music in a cool east londonish location everything seemed so fashion polished, I didn’t really want to miss the chance to meet someone in either the fashion or the music industry that could have given some appreciation for my artworks or my styling aims. I was still that girl who loved the polished well ensemble surface.

Satirka didn’t commented on our decision, he never did commented on anything, He offered us a place in a nearby squat or as well in one of his friend flat,when we told him we were looking for a place to stay,but I didn’t want to get involved too much with all that squatting shit,probably I wasn’t ready yet,still pretty anchored to my belief and as well sometimes I liked to listen just to the parts that I liked In what he was saying to me. Very typical of me to ignore the truth.

One day however,just before taking off into our newly shaped life, Satirka called us up to visit him into his new squat.

The squat was still in Battersea, a couple of minutes away from his stable squatted house.

The area around it was crammed with peace,a beautiful residential area that all was reminding me was that song by Nick Cave that has called me there, It was like I was walking the way that my favourite singer had walked before while writing most of the songs in the album “no more shall we part”. Somehow I was dreaming of being in a magic place of inspiration and changes.

We walked without getting lost, cleverly guided by an earthy Luca willing to discover with us his new space,craving for something special.

A little door hidden in a clearly posh neighbourhood was the key for our dreams.

Satirka came to open us when we called him on his selfphone.

A narrow rough courtyard was leading to a beautiful mansion. We were impressed by the majesty of the abandoned place.

I was Happy, just happy to be there, to be with him discovering the place.

The guys sat in the living room with Satirka girlfriend, a beautiful brazilian lady that I was admiring and a funny portuguese guy that he rescued from a life of emptiness.

His spiritual twin and misterious fool  Leo, was there too, looking at us smiling once we walked trough the door wrapped up in our “mystic protection” clothes.

Satirka took me to take a tour of the house, I was alive next to him. I couldn’t really translate or express with words my admiration for his freedom.

He showed me what he would have liked to transform in an art studio, He told me he would have liked to start painting and I was painting myself I told him that I would have very much liked to teach him. He looked at me and I felt like I’ve stepped to far in showing him my interest. I felt his eye digging deep inside me, he told me that we could have done that. We made  a contact that day, we made a promise to each other in that particular moment. I still remember the awkward silence that followed that instant of truth, we got lost into each others eyes cutting time and space in the light that was passing trough a beautiful window decorated by a coloured mosaic glass. I knew there I need it to give him something, I felt his interested upon me. I turn my eyes down and I went back to the room were everyone was sort of waiting for us to come back.

Once we entered the room the conversation stopped and Satirka enlightened the purpose of our meeting in that house.

Leo had some DMT with himself and Satirka was offering us to smoke it.

I didn’t wan to do any drugs and I had no idea of what that shit was, I was quite disappointed that the aim of our encounter was to get wasted in  the afternoon instead of just enjoying each other company while talking of some random shit, I should have expected that it was going to end up like that in the end he was a pusher, and of course he had no purpose whatsoever in his life that wasn’t get wasted and make business out of it …right?

My beliefs were screaming out of me and I was forcing myself to swallow each one of them one after the other.

“Look around..”,I was repeating to myself : “… look at this people, the way they smile, the way they take the life easily, the way they can just be…Look a this place, the beauty of the veranda were a grape tree as found a way in and is growing attached to the ceiling. look at the light penetrating from a wild beautiful garden were an unknown flourishing tree is spreading his branches all over the house,why can’t you just enjoy the moment without thinking about the after?Why can’t you just be here and now and trust this person that is perhaps handing you the key for something greater and however can help you if things get terribly wrong too?”

My head was an ocean of thoughts about many things all together. Satirka didn’t want to push me anything I didn’t want to , however he explained me the way the drug would have act inside my body, he told me there wouldn’t have been any withdraw symptoms, I would have been fine, back to my reality in more or less 20 mins after the inhalation and the immediate hallucinogen effect.

I sat and watch Luca and M taking it and then surprising myself I decide to do it as well.

I sat down in the middle of the garden, in the abandoned wilderness in front of it.

Leo came and guided me on what to do,how to breathe, he prepared myself softly helping me with the inhalation and then letting me go down with my eyes closed.

The effect was immediate, violent.

An explosion of coloured spirals swirling in front of me and the sensation of not being able to breathe arising, the fear a deep anxiety a feeling of loosing myself completely and then the hands of someone, calling me, a person with blue eyes was calling me, It was like this person was inviting me into his boat. I was so scared that I opened my eyes by that point, trying to repeat myself that it was going to end soon, that It wasn’t real, thinking about M, crying for him, trying to shout but without being able to do so. I remember seeing the nature overwhelming me once I’ve opened my eyes, the branches of the tree were trying to grab me and dragging me down. Scattered with fear I managed to run away as soon as I was able to recognize the shape of the world around me. I ran into M arms crying,hiding my head into his warmth.

Satirka was watching me and he was asking me to describe my experience, I was feeling hurt by him, I was feeling like I hated him for what he had done to me. He firmly told me that I need it to face that, need it to interpretate what I’ve seen.

I need it to leave that place, I need it to go home and that is what we did.We left everyone and went home and I was feeling like I had unlock a monster inside me and now I need it to face it.

What the hell was all of that about? What had happened to me that day?

The morning after was different.

The book wasn’t anymore just a reading for me but was instead the framework of my path.

I was feeling in pieces inside, shook off of everything I had.

What to do,where to go,everything was trembling again.

We were about to a new beginning, I had a new job due to start and a new house to live in and I didn’t know who I was.

I was thrown into the world. Fuck.

 

Jumping down the cliff

The days were passing by.

I was waking up every morning, looking outside my window,listening to the birds sing freely and I was dreaming my way out of this world, out of reality.

M was sleeping till late;I’ve always been an early person.I liked the silence of the house still asleep. I like the wonder of the fresh morning. Every breath was precious in the tenderness of the early hours.Sometimes I was going for a run, head in the clouds, lost in my music in my space.

The emptiness was still spacing out in my belly, that cringed painful internal torsion that I couldn’t address to any particular reason. That short breathed feeling was with me everyday.

We were running out of money, our latest “job’s shift” weren’t gone really well, indeed they were a disaster. We almost got caught twice, kicked out of few clubs, robbed by new local supplieRd. I didn’t want that life anymore. I was sick of lying to my mother, to his parents, to our flatmates to whom we were horrible, fighting on a daily basis, talking shit about each other a lot. That wasn’t the life I’d come here for at all. Our love story started to leak from each side, and I had no idea of how I could have repaired it and as well he wasn’t showing any whish to change his behaviour.

I got myself a job, a way to stay out of the house as long as possible, waitress again in a filthy bar in one of the poshest area in town.

He went to a rave party instead.

The last time I saw him that night was when he came home on acid before the party,with his friend Luca.

Luca was different from all the others, he was sweet, he was kind, he was the only one that in all of that came to me to ask me  how I was doing, he was interested in me as a person. Luca was gentle, a real friend,not just a guy to smoke with.I immediately liked him, although that night he was  a bit out of the ordinary I saw in him something different,perhaps a different approach to the drugs world;something more similar to my view. Somehow it was ok to the idea that he was gong out with him, I knew he was going to be safe, he would have looked after him.

Was the first time that M was going partying alone since we came to London, I usually used to go with him, this time I let him go. I wasn’t  jealous or anything likely. I was just worry he wasn’t going to come back the same and I wasn’t going to be with him to understand his way of seeing the world in that particular moment,to guide him to a safe place.I believe that was my role in all of that.

When he left that night I was in bed already. I wasn’t feeling good, I was feeling out of control, I drank some beers alone, I was feeling drunk,I had eaten too much over the arising nerves that I was trying to cover up.I just wished to be the next day.

I thought they were going to a club as I would have never approved the idea of him going to a rave,especially without me.

When I woke up to go to work the morning after,he wasn’t back yet. No messages, no signs that he was still alive or at least that he was still in his body.

Was 9 am when I decide to call him. Where the fuck was him?

He picked up the phone and it was chaos. The music was loud, the reception was bad.

He told me they went to a rave along the canal. I was disgusted.

Rave were for me for addicts, for dirty people, I had all sort of idea regarding the kind of people going to these kind of parties, some sort of urban legend, a bit of myth and a lot of fear.

I hated him, badly. He was high, he was talking with his “free voice” talking with his open soul. I wish I was with him in that moment, instead I was off to work in a couple of minutes.

I went to work looking forward to see him again. I want it to prove him that I wasn’t possessive of dependent from him. I promise myself that I was going to hear what he had to say without judging him too much.

In the afternoon when I was about to step back in the house I took a deep breath and I tried my best to keep myself neutral in front of him.

He was happy, he was calm, he didn’t consume too many drugs.Although he was dirty,his new shoes destroyed,his clothes black of mud;he was shining of a beautiful light, something that I never saw in him before. A different attitude to the world,out of judgments and expectations. I was impressed and more important I was curious to hear what he had to say.

He told me his journey there, he told me about the people he had met, the way they were free and how the way of partying was different.

The party was held in a park along the canal, they were people with boats coming from nowhere and enjoying the music, they were people with tents camping there for as long as the party was going on. People from different rolesa in the london society were there coexisting together for the love of that intrigued  sound that was called psy-trance music.

He told me how I would have like it a lot, especially because people there were actually talking about their experience as well as living them fully and exploring them with care. He then told me about this guy that he met. He was a pusher of course and he had the best hashish ever. His name sounded fake to me, Satirka, he was half italian, half greek half whatever in the world. He was a squatter. I hated squatters, society parasites, people living of drugs and lies. That was what I was thinking about them. But I couldn’t be more wrong. He invited me to see him, I was reluctant and intrigued. I was ready to challenge this guy with whatever he had to propose me and demonstrate that I was indeed right.

Few days later we finally went to meet him.

I’ve worn a very short skirt for the occasion and one of my hand painted/shredded t-shirt.

We went down to Battersea to his “house”.

When we got there we had to call him and make sure not to stare in front of the building not to create any suspect within the neighbours.

The building was unsuspicious,on the corner of the main street, 5 min away from the park, with the sign “bank” engraved on the top of the apparently sealed door, just on the left of the real entrance.

Luca came to open the door for us, he used to live near him and since the party he was going there often after work, to have some spliff with him or just to hang out. His friendly smile and his warmth always make me feel  safe,looked after;was the first time I wasn’t feeling the urge to attract him, he was my friend, I really felt a pure connection with him, an honest guy, someone you can count on, someone who was finding his way into the world with his own support and with a high sense of true friendship that all I was seeing in him in those few times we spent together.
We went inside.
The hallway was the kitchen, a blank space with a bike and some kitchen stuff.

The way to his room was trough the stairs, I could not notice the windows covered and as I was explained after that was necessary for not showing to the neighbours that someone was living in there. Squatters live in darkness,covered with  the warmth of the light passing thought the surface of multicoloured indian throw used instead of curtains.

I was nervous,walking behind them I was feeling something tingling coming up expanding trough my body.

Was like if my world was going to change forever once I’ve entered into that room.

That feeling of “something happening”, the shivering of all my organs…

What was behind that door that was making me feel like I was about to jump down a cliff?

Who was him and why M was insisting for me to know him? After 2 years together how he could possibly think that I was going to be interested in someone living life all the opposite of my ideal?

So I took a deep breath, soaking my nose in the sweet smell of the incense coming out of the room down the staircase ready for whatever was there behind…

Mescaline London

My life was starting to change.

I could feel it deeply inside.

From the moment that I have infused my soul with LSD my mind was perceiving stuff that I never thought about it  before.

I started painting again.

I got inspired by one of the latest party, a party fuelled by mescaline tulips;party that brought me extremely near to death when  I had to drove back home.4 hours of drive ahead of me under mescaline. I saw myself distorted into a curvy ocean waved road and although I make it home without trouble I got so scared that I stayed in my room for 2 days afterwards,with no energy to get out of it. One of the greatest experience that I had and also the one that make the picture clear. I wasn’t fitting in that club padded enviroment,it just wasn’t working for my feelings wondering nature.

I then started painting  and I gave up partying.

To do so I had to find a good excuse for M, something that sounded more like I can’t instead of I don’t want to.

I didn’t want to show my true self, I didn’t want to reveal what I was, the loaner,cozy and reflective girl who liked staying at home talking to people, I was afraid that he was going to leave me for that or to make me feel useless. And he would have done that,because he wasnt like that, he wasn’t the guy that liked to spent time at home;home was for him the prison were all the secrets were hidden to the world. Home was for me a place to be to explore the world within,as my mum always proposed to me with her never-ending beautiful dinners filled with friends and freedom of thought even from my early age.

I found myself a pretty restrictive job. I got into grape harvesting on the hills of a nearest city. I had to wake up quite early and work some weekend and some Mondays, I just couldn’t get wasted.

M accepted it but he continued to go partying following our usual schedule. Both him and C found another ride to carry them and the “stuff”;in exchange the driver was getting freebies. Pretty good deal for the lucky dude of the night.

It wasn’t a problem for me as every time I was left alone I was painting.

Splashing paint on customized tshirts,destroying and reconstruct again was my signature.

I used to spend most of the nights closed in my painting room exploring techniques, faces, feeling, music. Each moment spent within those walls was magic.

My mum was supporting me so much,she loved my art and she was making me feel proud of what I was doing.I was feeling great as for me her support was pretty much all I need it to carry on.

Our ketamine trade was giving me the money to express myself, the money to buy the material to paint. Ketamine was making my  dreams come true.

Later that summer M stepfather had an accident and the bubble blown out when he discover the secret of him being an alcoholic.

Under his disappointment he was forced to started to work full time in the family business and partying became pretty impossible for him too.

Party time was over, I was secretly happy about it.

Our psychedelic exploration instead was  just started.

Wednesday was our common day off and was all dedicated to taking hallucinogen in parks,beach,everywhere in the beauty of the world.

We were discovering our feelings related to the sunset,to the crowded places, to the softness of the water and the perfume of the sea.

The pleasure was given by being together in some hidden places of the world feeling the drug in his pure state without alteration of any sort just being in the world with wide open eyes.Aware consciousness was what I can now relate the experience to.

Obviously for M wasn’t enough,he was feeling unhappy, he was feeling away from his friends.

We started fighting, he was blaming my laziness to be with people, my anti-social behaviour.

I was feeling bad. Useless again. Unlovable for what I really was.

I want to change myself, my attitude towards the world. Although I was feeling empty before,during my previous attempt,perhaps  this time was going to be different.

We started partying again a little.

This time we focus more on the other part, on the after party.

We were quite lucky that the quality of our products was giving us access to most of the exclusive limited after parties held in unknown beautiful lands across Tuscany.

We meet people, and I’ve discovered the dark side of the party, the side were you push yourself further and further with no regards of your being.

I’ve seen people out of control making fun of themself. The monsters of the sunday evening, I was one of them myself.

It was intense. The pressure of wanting more and more of it was unbearable. You were free, no control whatsoever. Forgetting everything, forgetting where you were. OUT OF SPACE for as long as you want it.

Was an incredible feeling of squeezing the world away. Land of happiness, a music hospital you can call it, where everything was swept away for hours and hours from dawn to dusk.Just few people present. Was the family from nowhere.

I loved my nowhere land but however I was still feeling crushed inside me. My soul was shedding day after day,word after word. I still couldn’t feel understood, loved. I was feeling lost,it was like we were all lost, swimming in a coloured,marvellous bunch of soft jelly bubbles.

What to do now?

I need it a ground to grow my roots as I felt I had nothing to share,nothing to live for.

Someone one day whispered the word “London” to our ears. Somehow we were both drawn to the idea of experiencing a foreign country,a big city.

It sounded like hope to me, hope for change, for growth,for freedom.

I just need it to have some peace in my life.

I need it to feel the silence of the day, the space.

That was our time.

With a bunch of nothing and a lot of great expectation we move to london in March 2010.

Was me and him. I was motivated, we were strong together feeling the dream unfolding in front of us.

The suckling pig,the rotten actress and Me -Nowhere 3

Before I could even realize I had started a routine or let’s say: a ritual. Waking up every morning around 5 ish ,waiting for the bus holding a cup of warm barley-oatmilk-molasses “coffee” to enjoy on my way back along with a little breakfast prepared the night before,composed mainly by half banana,a spoon of hemp protein and another spoon of raw cacao powder. I had worked out a way to waste last time to get ready after the first week:going to bed wearing my yoga clothes.Funny?Now that I think back it is,really funny,but at the time it seemed a great way to save some time and also  taking my pj off and put my yoga clothes back on was an unbearable work in that freezing cold! Was around the second/third week that something change. I was just arrived at the shala,was just 20 past 6 and while I was trying to open the door,someone kind of run over and open it for me.Was Hamish,he looked at me kind of annoyed (at least that’s how I perceived) ,and goes like “You?Again?Is too early!”. I felt awful,I felt like he hated me,for my whole practise I felt like an idiot,I felt not good enough,I felt useless.I wanted to cry so badly that I was running trough my few asanas as quick as I could. My mind was wandering: Why was I there?Why this man doesn’t want me here?Am I such a bad person?I feel so stupid! I couldn’t talk,I couldn’t look at him.I hated him,I want it to leave. When I finish my practise I left looking at the ground.I didn’t want to see his eyes,I felt such a big disappointment. On the other side my ego was pumping: Who was he?I am going to show this man who I am,I am going to gain his respect…actually I am going to do what always worked,I will charm him!Luckily I had recently find out that he wasn’t gay,he was actually married.Here we go, let’s get the pattern started,let’s demonstrate to myself that all the man are just disgusting pig and there is just one way to get their attention (in yoga is even easier are there are not much clothes involved). Let’s get to the RING!The fight between Myself and my long time companion,call it Ego,call it  actress but for me she will always be Marlene,(as I used to call myself most of the time during my year in Italy and before meeting Satirka the only person that at the time is been able to show me that side of me). When I started practising Astanga I though Marlene had left,I though I was fine;apart from the feeling of loneliness,emptiness, and that chocking sensation recurring everyday.In the end I was on my feet,by myself, I was proud of being able to do that without crying everyday or being depressed.I was ok…I mean I didn’t have any of the symptoms clearly indicating that my soul was feeling lost (what are those symptoms anyway?). But it took me just a little to discover that actually Marlene wasn’t gone. That day I left the shala crying,beating myself up.I went home, had a shower and then rush into work without eating. I was shaky,I wasn’t in the state to work. I took Sofia in the kitchen,I cried.I told her that I hated the teacher,that I want to leave that place where nobody talk to each other.Her reply was sharp and clear: “I don’t think you should go,You need to stay.This man is actually giving you what you need.Is too easy to leave”.I swallow the bitterness of her words.I tried to say something in reply but instead I didn’t,I looked at her in the eyes,all I could see was her honesty,that deep pure honesty that always stuck me and I had to be honest as well,honest with myself. That’s where all really got started,the digging,the game,the path.